


The King is Dead

by wybiegowritey



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: absolutely none of this should be taken seriously, crackfic, i wrote a play with a few friends of mine and decided to au it, its meant for jokes tho, this could also be called Everyone Hates Wylan and Wants Him Dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23853412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wybiegowritey/pseuds/wybiegowritey
Summary: The Kingdom of Kerch is disgusting, isn't it?History is a strange thing to tell. This is a very dramatic part. We will look through the last twenty-four hours of King Wylan's reign, from when a thief is captured and imprisoned, to an argument over tea, and finally to the beginning of a dictatorship.AKA an AU of a play I did with a bunch of friends! It was very fun and I thought it'd be fun to write.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	The King is Dead

Long ago, there was a kingdom by the name of Kerch. It was ruled by many, many kings, survived many wars, living in prosperity and harmony. But if someone were to take a closer look at its politics and the royal family, they would find it quite the opposite.

Before I begin this story, I must tell you who was involved--and now you’re saying,  _ but Narrator, that’s annoying! Just explain it while you tell the story!  _

You all may think you know Kerch history, but let me assure you you’re wrong. History is a story, and in this case it’s a  _ very _ dramatic one. So buckle up, and let me introduce you to the cast of characters involved with the last Kerch king.

The first, and most important person, is King Wylan, son of King Jan. Jan was widely regarded as a strong but tyrannical king. Wylan… not so much. Historians debate how exactly it was Jan died. Some say it was of completely natural causes. But evidence seems to indicate that Wylan poisoned his own father. It makes poor Wylan one of the most controversial figures in Kerch history, despite never making or denying a new law. Another thing that’s controversial is his name. Is it Will-an? Why-LAN? Weelon? No one knows.

Our second important person is Lord Kuwei Yul-Bo. Kuwei never ruled in Kerch, but he was the King’s advisor. His family line served served the lineage of Kings, meaning his father was Jan’s advisor, and Kuwei being trained for Wylan. Kuwei was around for ten years after Wylan’s passing, and disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

Our third figure is Lord Matthias Helvar, better known by his later title of First Consul in the subsequent Consulate imperial period. Helvar was another advisor to King Wylan, and he wasn’t exactly the monarchy’s biggest fan. He was disliked by the more traditionalist counselors in the palace. In other words, his later dictatorship promoted people who were really damn good at their job, not noble people. He was popular because of that. Of course, he was also unpopular because he was a tyrannical dictator who liked to burn rebels alive. No one was very upset when he got assassinated ten years into his reign. Except perhaps his red right hand-- Commander Jesper Fahey. 

Raised and educated to be a minor bureaucrat and accountant, Fahey was forced to join the army and took to it a little  _ too _ much. Of course, at the time of our story he were just known as a lieutenant. Fahey was not exactly the sharpest knife in the box. He was more like a spatula. Or so they say. 

Well, everyone has heard of these four--but the historical figure I’m about to introduce you to is a little more obscure. Nina Zenik is a funny character in history, because her name crops up in multiple documents all over the continent at the end of the 3rd century, but no one ever said where she was from or who she worked for. We don’t even know where she was born! She turned up in the capital right before the death of the king.  _ Really _ funny timing. We’ll come back to her later.

And who am I? Well, I’ll be guiding you through this story. I was there when this happened, but my actions are not written in first person. We’ll see if you can find my true name. Let’s begin.

***

Lord Kuwei had made it his duty to see to the Royal throne room at night, making sure everything was polished and perfect for the next time the king was to be here. As he stepped into the candlelit room, he did a quick scan: nothing was out of the ordinary, the perfect marble floor was untainted, its marble walls shining in the moonlight. Good.

He grabbed a candle and started to walk around the large room, examining every inch, stopping at the steps to the throne. Above the gold and ruby chair, he admired the painting of the old king. King Jan stared back at him, Kuwei’s father behind him. In all the other portraits of past kings, his ancestors were always there, watching, waiting when something would change.  _ Destined to always serve the king, hm? _

But then he spotted something moving behind the throne. It stunned Kuwei, and he was not sure whether to investigate it or call the guards. If he called the guards, whoever was behind the throne could kill him in an instant. But if he just investigated it himself, he could still die. He sighed, and with his right hand, he swished the flame closer, and that was when a woman in a red dress came around.

“What are you doing here?” Kuwei exclaimed.

“Shhhh,” she said, pressing her finger to her red lips. “I’m just taking a look around.”

“You can't be here! The Royal Palace is closed,” Kuwei said. “That's why everything is  _ dark _ .”

“Well, you're here now,” the woman said. “Couldn't you show me around?”

That was Kuwei’s mistake. He had no idea the woman he was talking to was, in fact, Miss Nina Zenik, and he did not know how good of a manipulator she was. She convinced him to give her a brief history on Kerch, and he pointed to King Jan’s picture. He talked about his father and being raised to always be loyal to the strong, worthy king that was Jan. 

“I thought all kings were worthy,” the woman noted. Kuwei had shrugged, a gesture that indicated that was not the case where Wylan was concerned. He saw her brows raise in interest.

“You know, this used to be a great kingdom,” Kuwei explained, remembering his readings and the stories his father and mother would tell him. “We used to win wars. Now we just kill people. It used to be if the king gave an order everyone from here to the Borders would obey it. Now no one even noti--”

“Nina! Sorry for leaving you, it was important business--Nina? Hello?” Kuwei rolled his eyes in annoyance as Lieutenant Jesper Fahey came running inside the throne room, relieved when he saw the woman next to him. “Oh, I see you found the throne room.” He then noticed Kuwei’s presence, and bowed. “Oh, hello, my Lord.”

“Good evening, Lieutenant Fahey,” Kuwei said. “I didn’t know you were back already. I thought you had important business at the Borders.”

“I did. I got back this morning,” Jesper said. He splayed his hand on his chest as though he were shocked. “I’m surprised you hadn’t heard-- I’ve got great news.”

“What is--”

“I nabbed that pesky little deserter who’s been causing so much trouble on the Borders-- Kaz Brekker,” Jesper said ecstatically. “He’s robbed six caravans since the campaign started.”

Kuwei’s mouth dropped. Brekker had been part of the military a long time ago, but ever since he deserted he’s been robbing the rich. An utter nuisance. “He’s here?” 

“Locked up in a nice hard cell with some Suli girl who was helping him.”

“Jesper seems very responsible,” Nina noted, her green eyes glinting in the candlelight. She grabbed the lieutenant’s arm, squeezing his bicep. “Jesper, we have business to attend to.”

Kuwei rolled his eyes as he followed them outside the throne room, going the opposite direction of wherever they were headed off to to do Ghezen knew what. Before he opened the door to his chambers, he blew out the candle, making sure no other advisor had seen him. 

Now that you’ve heard the name Kaz Brekker, you’re probably wondering what our pair of trusty thieves are up to. Now, really, I’m not too sure what happened, either. I was asleep. But after the death of the king, I did manage to ask Inej Ghafa--Brekker’s partner in crime--about it.

Kaz had a plan to basically ruin Wylan’s reputation. He planned to get his crown and sell it, making him look like the fool he was in front of the whole damn kingdom, making sure no one trusted him. What a savage. I wish I had thought of that.

***

Moving onto the next day, Lord Kuwei was on his way to the historian’s room when he ran into Lord Matthias Helvar--the one who sought to ruin the kingdom’s livlihood and become the dictator, remember? I may have forgotten to mention that Lord Kuwei and Lord Matthias  _ hated _ each other.

Kuwei plastered the biggest smile on his face, baring his teeth. “Lord Matthias Helvar! What a pleasant surprise. How nice to see you here.”

Helvar was a creepy fellow. He wore a dark cloak most of the time, shaping his ginormous form and making him already look like the dictator he would be. His voice was also very raw, as though he’d been giving three hour long speeches every day. 

“Nothing could be more pleasing than to encounter you in this… lovely… hallway,” he said, gesturing to the marbled hallway that had guards planted every few feet. “How fare you this fine morning?”

“Fairly well, fairly well. I had a nice cup of tea this morning.”

“How… fascinating,” Matthias said with boredom in his voice. “What kind of tea was it?”

“Black. With sugar,” Kuwei cocked his head to the side, sizing up the big man. “How do you take your tea, my lord?”

“I only ever drink chrysanthemum tea with a dash of milk.”

I may have also forgotten to mention that because Kuwei and Matthias hated each other, they made everything into a competition and argument, usually making it a metaphor about their feelings on the king. In this case, it was tea.

“I feel that milk only muddies what should be clear,” Kuwei said, gesturing for a walk to the historian’s room. Matthias followed.

“And I think sugar distorts and blinds to the bitter realities of life.”

Kuwei scoffed. “Chrysanthemum tea is for  _ babies _ .”

“Despite your wishes,” Matthias began, becoming angry, “drinking black tea will give you no further insight into the darkest depths of the human soul.” 

And that was when they ran into Jesper Fahey. 

“Ah, Lieutenant Fahey,” Kuwei said. Maybe they could settle this tea argument once and for all. “What kind of tea do you drink?”

“Tea is for cowards, I drink coffee.” Jesper said without hesitation. If Kuwei wasn’t being watched by Matthias, he would have put his head in his hands in annoyance. “Why are we talking about this?”

“Tea… is a metaphor,” Matthias said, wording it very well. “Take, for example, the matter of the plant. When the roots of the plant are rotten, so are the leaves, and the cup is poison.”

“Maybe the tea had a wonderful father, and this particular cup is simply too watered down,” Kuwei said through gritted teeth.

“Best to throw away the whole bush.”

“I’m sorry,” Jesper interrupted “Are we talking about King Wylan?”

Matthias nodded, then turned to Kuwei. “You’ll never find an adequate tea metaphor to sate your lust for violence.” 

“Oh, really?” Kuwei cocked his head to the side again. He smiled at them, before opening the door to the throne room. “I like my tea  _ decapitated _ .”

With that, Kuwei slammed the door, leaving the others to their own devices. Now, I’m taking a wild guess for this next part because I wasn’t there for it, but because there were no guards on the night of the King’s murder, I think this is when Matthias convinced Fahey to help stage a coup. Fahey agreed to it, but what I didn’t know was that there was a secret they were keeping. A secret that maybe Jesper shouldn’t have told Matthias.

Anyway, what’s interesting is that Jesper Fahey actually knew Kaz Brekker from the army. King Jan had destroyed the school Jesper was going to, and forced him to join the army or be hanged. Brekker was the first captain he served, and the thief deserted him in the middle of battle. Jesper’s hated Kaz ever since, searching for him, and now he could see the bastard dead.

***

In the throne room, the throne was empty, and on either side stood Lord Kuwei and Lord Matthias. Kuwei had a scroll in his hand, and it was very clear there was a spot next to Matthias for Jesper. Nina Zenik was there, and was next to Kuwei, watching him unfurl the scroll. He cleared his throat.

“Introducing his highness, liege and lord of the kingdom of Kerch, son of Jan and grandson of Moderna, heir to the keys of the Divine Ghezen, the purger of sin, King Wylan!”

And that was when the king in question walked inside, his chin held high, his red and gold robes matching his red-gold hair. He walked with purpose, but I could tell from the way his blue eyes darted around the room that he was uncertain.

And that was when he stepped on his robe and promptly tripped, falling flat on his face. His ruby and sapphire crown rolled off his head. Kaz stifled a laugh. 

“ _ Owwww _ ,” Wylan groaned, pushing himself off the floor. He reached for his crown and placed it back on his head. “Thank you, but can we  _ please _ leave out the bit about purger of sin? I don’t think it’s relevant in the modern age.”

“Are there still sinners in the country, your Highness?” Kuwei asked.

Wylan made his way to his throne and took his seat. “Well, yes, they--”

“And do they still deny the superior royal blood that flows through your, aha,  _ beautiful _ veins?”

“Well--” Wylan groaned. “Yes.”

“Then, by law, it is still your responsibility to destroy them wholesale.” 

“Perhaps my lord strays from the point. He is easily distractible,” Matthias spoke. He eyed the prisoners with disgust. “We must focus on the matter at hand of these… criminals.”

“Oh, yes!” Wylan exclaimed. He turned his attention to the people kneeled below him. “Hi. Um... What did they do?”

“Kaz Brekker is a long sought-after deserter from the Royal Army, and they usurped your control in the borderlands by raiding military supply trains.” Matthias informed. 

“And redistributing their goods to the poor and needy,” Kaz added.

“To  _ rebels. _ ” __

Wylan raised a brow. “Both of them did this?”

“Credit where credit’s due,” Kaz admitted. “I did everything.”

Silence ensued. King Wylan looked to Kuwei and Matthias. “So why is this woman on trial?”

“I helped him.” It was the first time I’d heard her speak. She seemed quite angry.

Wylan leaned forward. “What’s your name?”

“Inej.” 

“And why did you help this highwayman, Inej?”

“Because he saved my life last week, and it was on my honor to repay him. So I served as a decoy on the job that got us arrested. Nothing else.” 

I could tell Wylan admired that. “You would have done whatever he asked to thank them for saving your life?”

“No, Your Majesty,” Inej said. “I did it because I knew it would help people. Your army is a murderous machine and it needs to be brought down, because it’s killing people.” 

Wylan’s eyes widened in embarrassment. He turned to Jesper. “Lieutenant Fahey, what do you have to say to that?”

Jesper stared straight ahead. “Can’t speak on morality, sir, I just follow orders.” 

“Hm,” Wylan said, unimpressed. He then turned to Matthias. “Well, Lord Helvar, I hardly see reason to have them executed. They could even be useful.” 

“They’re dangerous, your majesty.” 

“They’re capable,” Wylan shot back.

Remember that secret I alluded to a few hundred words ago? Plot twist: Commander Brum is dead. No one actually knows how, but he just up and died. I asked Jesper about it later, and he said something along the lines of blood everywhere, people were crying, and they wouldn’t stop crying even when he yelled at them. And then he accidentally stabbed someone. I don’t remember, he was talking very fast. Moving on:

“Kaz Brekker and Inej Ghafa killed Commander Brum in his sleep.” 

Wylan paled, and he sat back in his seat slowly, shocked. I looked at Jesper, who was angrily looking at Matthias. “Jarl Brum? He’s dead?”

“Yes, your highness, we received word this morning.” Jesper said through gritted teeth. “Wasn’t sure when to tell you.” 

“Is this true?” Wylan asked.

Kaz raised a brow, confused. “I may be a thief and a deserter, your Highness, but--”

Matthias pushed. “Commander Fahey was there. He saw the scene of the crime.” 

“Fahey?” Wylan turned his attention to Jesper. “Is there any evidence for this?”

“I found them standing over Commander Brum’s body holding a knife and covered in his blood,” Jesper said, staring right at Kaz and Inej.

Inej started. “But--”

“Who are you going to believe, your Highness?” Matthias said. “A confessed criminal, or the commander of your own army?”

Wylan looked from the prisoners to his advisors, then back to the prisoners. “Fine. Give me the papers to sign.” 

Matthias handed him the papers. After the King signed it, he gave orders to the Commander to take them back to their cells. The prisoners would be hanged at dawn.

Now, I’m not too sure what happened, but judging from the way Commander Fahey’s face looked after taking Kaz and Inej to the cell, he had either been in a fight with Kaz and won, or had some alone time with Nina. Probably both, to be honest. Anyway, whether or not they fought, it seems like Kaz somehow got the keys to the cells, and waited out the Commander and Nina.

Plot twist: Turns out that Jesper and Nina had their own plan to kill Wylan, so instead of Matthias using Jesper, Jesper was using Matthias. He used the coup idea to shoo the guards away, and if he managed to get to Helvar first, then he and Nina could kill the king and put the blame on the advisor. I really wish I'd thought of that, too. 

***

Anyway, the thieves had sneakily made their way inside, but it turned out Lord Matthias, with a sword, and Lord Kuwei, with a dagger, were also being sneaky. The thieves hid behind the wardrobe.

“My lord, what an…  _ unexpected _ encounter.” Matthias had said. 

Kuwei smiled nervously. “I'm just… observing the royal slumber!”

“With a knife?” 

“Oh, fine.” Kuwei said, raising his arms. “I'm here to kill Wylan.” 

“Here you are… sabotaging my ideals for our kingdom's future with your clumsy attempts at artless violence,” Matthias seethed. 

“And what are  _ you _ doing with that sword?” 

“Making  _ artful _ violence.” Matthias lunged for Wylan’s heart, but Wylan simply rolled away from him. Kuwei flipped the knife so the blade aimed at Wylan’s chest, thrusting his arms down. Matthias then pushed him out of the way so Kuwei stabbed the bed. Matthias pinned Kuwei to the floor. 

“I’ve played the ingratiating sycophant to this  _ child  _ for five years, and twenty years before that to his trigger-happy father!” Matthias growled. “This murder is by rights mine!”

“As long as he’s dead, right?” Kuwei said, trying to escape Matthias’ grasp.

“As long as he’s dead.” Matthias agreed. “But I think--”

King Wylan then woke up, sitting up in his bed with a yawn. He spotted Matthias and Kuwei on the floor immediately, and scooted away from them. “What are you two doing in here?”

Matthias and Kuwei quickly stood up, brushing themselves off, hiding their weapons behind their backs. It was Matthias who spoke first. “Simmering and stewing in the elegant broth of your majestic company.”

Wylan was weary, and standing on the opposite side of the bed. “You’ve never come into my room in the night before.”

“Well, in these trying times we all strive for an rapprochement with Ghezen’s chosen,” Matthias said.

“We’re all very stressed.” Kuwei agreed.

Inej had had enough of it, apparently. When I asked her about it later, she said she would not watch a seemingly innocent man die tonight. She crawled out from behind the wardrobe. “They’re traitors!” 

Kuwei, Matthias, and Wylan jumped. “Where did you come from?” Kuwei shouted.

“The closet!” Inej turned to Wylan. “Your Highness, they’re assassins. They’ve been trying to kill you.”

“Why should I trust you?” Wylan said.

“Because if I’d stayed quiet I would have escaped.” 

That seemed to make Wylan think. Silence ensued in the room as the realization hit Wylan in slow steps, and he turned to his advisors. “Lord Matthias.”

“Your Majesty--”

“Do  _ not _ interrupt me.” Wylan seethed. “I am disappointed at your lack of perspective. I would think  _ you _ of all people would understand the trauma of sudden change.” He turned to Kuwei. “And as for  _ you _ . I know your family writhes under the banner of changing ideologies. But this is  _ my _ kingdom. I am king like my father was before me, and in killing me you kill his memory as well. You should be ashamed of yourself,  _ traitor. _ ”

Wylan, Wylan, Wylan. What a brave little boy. He snapped his fingers. “Commander Fahey!”

Jesper Fahey quietly walked inside, Nina just behind him. “Yes, sir?”

“These men have tried to murder me. Arrest them, please.”

“That’s too bad. It certainly sounds like treacherous talk to me, your Highness,” Jesper tsked, giving a glance to Matthias and Kuwei. “And where there’s treacherous talk, there’s treacherous action.”

“We don’t have time for this.  _ Arrest them _ .” 

“For example, if I was to say that your royal majesty is an incompetent child scrabbling at his father’s dirty coattails,” Jesper continued, “that’s the sort of thing you might want to get concerned about.”

Wylan backed up slightly. “Commander, I won’t tell you again.” 

“No, you won’t.” Jesper darted forward and stabbed Wylan. There was a long silence as Wylan looked down at the wound, then back up at Jesper. The Commander pulled out the knife and Wylan fell to the floor, blood oozing out his chest. Inej screamed.

“Oh, shut up,” Matthias said. “Lord Kuwei, we must take care of this... business.”

With that, Matthias and Kuwei bolted out the door, ready to tell the news that the King was dead. Jesper and Nina left Wylan to die, and Kaz bolted for the crown and the door. He was caught by Jesper later. Wylan died in Inej’s arms.

To make the rest of the story short, the Consulate period begun, and Matthias Helvar became the First Consul. He sentenced Kaz Brekker to death, which Kaz then said, “You are so dumb, oh my Ghezen. See you in hell. Kaz  _ out _ .” 

This was indeed a dumb decision by Matthias. Let me summarize the situation for you kids: Helvar publicly executed a well-known symbol of popular resistance, and then let someone spread the word of their unjust death to the masses. That’s a recipe for resentment! 

Over the next five years, Nina and Matthias worked closely together to centralize, consolidate, and expand the country. Nina and Jesper grew more and more apart, probably because Jesper was always out on campaign helping turn the kingdom into an empire.

Ten years later, Inej murdered Matthias Helvar in front of the entire court. Jesper made sure his death was covered up. Inej Ghafa disappeared. As of yet, historians have found no record of her death either in Kerch or elsewhere. 

_ Anyway,  _ Nina then became the Consul. Jesper and Nina did in fact rekindle their old relationship, although they did not marry, because presumably Jesper had learned his lesson regarding the chain of command. Now, I know what you all are thinking-- why don’t I remember learning about Consul Nina Zenik in school? Well, for two reasons: first, generations of educators have done their best to erase the fact that Kerch was governed quite competently by a foreign woman, and secondly, because she was poisoned by an up-and-coming young politician only eighteen months into her reign. 

Twenty years later, someone had started a fire, a blaze that burned brighter and hotter than anyone had ever seen. It burned the entire empire and everything else with it, including Jesper Fahey. No one knows who started the flames.

**End** .

Oh, God, you’re still wondering who I am, aren’t you? Fine, I'll tell you.

I’m a child born of fire. My family has served many kings, seen Kerch become desolate and unkind. With my flames, I’ve destroyed history. 

Yes, that is correct. My name is Kuwei--

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked my crack fic, please give a kudos, comment, and check out my tumblr: wybiegowritey. 
> 
> This fic is for a mini bang for the Grishaverse Big Bang 2020. Check it out on tumblr (grishaversebigbang.tumblr.com)!


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